I have no doubt that sharing my thoughts on the above topic is a tad dangerous - perhaps my words should first be screened by a psychologist. But, no time for caution today - the sun is out and I've got to get to the gym in the next 45 minutes.
Like most people, I have moments where I am consumed by regret. And yet, since I am neither a trained theologian or psychologist, I have no idea what triggers this condition, what makes it better or worse some days, or what resolves the issue(s). So, lacking this foundation in learning and study, I still plan - in the course of this blog - to recommend boldly that regret plays no value in our lives.
It's your choice, reader: buy a book by someone who deserves the initials after their name from years of hard work, or read on and see if my life lessons hold some value for you.
My first recommendation: ditch the regret with the little things so you develop a pattern of putting less pressure on yourself each day.
Why the "baby steps" approach? Because by the time you reach my decade, if you have been good at feeling regret, you'll be spectacular at it with all the practice that multiple jobs, friends, lovers and locations have offered over the years. It moves beyond the classic "wish I hadn't done that" to "why didn't I take advantage of that when I lived there or had that job"... It moves into the most dangerous territory of all: "what a waste my life has been."
I've never been a fan of New Year's Resolutions (an ingenious psychological game designed to heighten regret) and yet I find myself every day setting a series of nearly impossible goals so that I feel some degree of regret (and failure) by the evening. Tasks include work, exercise, cleaning, mending, shopping, cooking, writing, reading - jeez, talk about trying to achieve the impossible in 17-18 hours of a day.
Sidebar - please do not be fooled by the so-called: "I do it all" types. I'm not being mean spirited, but it is very important to remember that just as every advertisement and photo in a fashion magazine is the product of many people working many hours to achieve perfection (trust me, I used to be part of that fantasy machine) - so too is the ability to "do it all" enhanced by cleaners, PAs, cooks, trainers, home beauty treatments, internet shopping, taxis, and many other forms of time management and support!!! My first job in Washington, DC, involved working with the CEO of a large, global company on a legislative issue - I remember being in awe of all he could accomplish and mentioned to one of his deputies that he must be running all the time. "On the contrary," I was told, "he doesn't do any shopping, cooking, cleaning, running errands, has no family to be social with in the evening, has all the time to focus on his work." That's how they do it, if you were wondering - especially the women you read about and fear you can never match. As for me, I have to admit that in the last six months I came to the conclusion that my new definition of success would be having the extra income to pay some kind person to keep my house clean - not there yet, but working on it.
Back to those baby steps: a good day goes like this, I wake in the morning and decide I will not put pressure on myself to do multiple loads of laundry, cook a great dinner (after shopping too), have the dishes done, get in my daily 1 hour cardio training, do those free weights for my arms and core exercises, and spend 7-8 hours reading and writing. A good day means that if I do two or three of the above, I tell myself to be proud of my accomplishment as I could have simply stayed in bed and watched DVDs. A good day means I have more energy to focus on my limited goals than trying to divide my energy across so many tasks that make me angry with my inability to time manage or move more quickly. And I don't have children - so please, baby steps especially if you have little ones to nurture and turn into happy and productive citizens.
When I was recovering from my accident I surprised myself with my ability to see the positive from the negative: if I was able to move my leg even 1cm more after a set of exercises, I called that a great victory. I told myself I was living through a phase where the smallest progress deserved to be claimed as a great accomplishment. I remember that time very well, but find it is hard to regain that perspective and be kind to and proud of my work each day.
A very dear friend of mine has the ability to inspire me constantly with a creative turn of phrase. When I find myself slipping into regret mode (which is still extremely easy for me to do), she tells me to "think new thoughts." As simple as that? No, it's not - but it's a good challenge. Take that oncoming regret thought - "why didn't I get more done today?" - and flatten it with "I am pleased with my progress, what's left to be finished tomorrow?" Sure it's a mind game, but so is feeling regret. With her advice I am simply choosing which mind game I will succumb to at any particular time.
This entry is a bit rambling - but if you take any content from these words, I hope it is this: please don't use the precious energy you have for each day on thoughts of regret. Regret is nothing more than an insidious attempt by a toxic part of your psyche to turn you against yourself and deny you the joy of knowing that you accomplished something. Think a new thought: I am doing something and I am moving forward, tomorrow I'll get another centimeter of progress - well done me.
I'd love to hear your (new??) thoughts on this - post them here, or on Twitter or Facebook.
